I’m changing

Port Townsend, 12-JUN-2023 – I’m changing. I think I’m changing back to whom I was; I am different. I know I feel the same things I used to feel, but I’m different.

Since the stroke, there have been changes in me. In the early days, the days would pass by without really an end to them. They were somehow continuous. Eventually, that stopped, but even now days don’t have the strong breaks that they used to. I seem to sleep heavier.

I’m waking at 530 as I do, but I’m not getting out of bed. They, Jennifer and doctors, tell me that I should sleep more now that my body’s healing, so I lay there. Sometimes awake, sometimes drifting in and out. I don’t seem to toss and turn as much and my right shoulder seems to be healing.

But, now I seem to be much more ambidextrous than I was. It might be because of the injured shoulder, or because of the brain injury, which was on the left side of my brain. I do much more with my left hand than I did, but I don’t write with a pen anymore so I can’t tell how truly ambidextrous I am.

I don’t talk as much. That’s undeniable. I want to fix this. I was always an outgoing person who started conversations and could keep things moving, but now I seem to need the other person to start the conversation for me. I can’t grab that spark that makes the conversation move.

Some other things have changed, I think. Jennifer’s taking the lead more. I don’t know whether she is doing this because I’ve had a stroke and she feels I’m not capable of it, or because I am moving slower not charging into the breach when there are things that need to be done. It’s a difficult position.

I also find that I’m not taking charge as much. I see that she wants to be in charge and I let her stay in charge. I don’t know where the change is. Is it me? Did I not see this? And now I’m willing to let her take charge or is she leading because she either thinks that I am ill and healing, or I really am ill and healing. It’s a difficult thing to tell.

Yesterday we gave a party for about 10 people. The guests were all male friends of mine and their partners. A friend of Jennifer’s was there and he brought his partner. So the invited guests were all men.

It was a very nice party, we chose very interesting people all of whom have quite interesting partners. The party broke into small groups which changed constituents as the party moved along, and then at dinner, we sat in a circle on the back lawn. Generally, I’m in charge of these things, I set the subject and the tone, and when there’s a break, I keep it moving. This time I couldn’t. I could not think of a single subject when things were quiet. This isn’t like me. I usually have subjects coming out of my ears that I want to talk about and hear people talk about. I couldn’t do it. When I thought about such things there would just be a blank.

My friend Pablo, however, took the lead and kept things moving. He’s like me: just an endless stream of things that he can call upon to keep things moving.

I could join in, but I couldn’t lead.

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We leave in two weeks to go to Homer. I have engine mounts to worry about.

I bought engine mounts for my particular engine, but they’re very different than what is there. Yesterday, I found the engine mounts for my engine as installed but they’re all different sizes. I think it has to do with the amount of horsepower, which should make it pretty easy for me. My engine has 28 horse.

They are engine mounts for inboard outdrive engines, which should mean that I can just buy them in the small size and they work. I think I will do that. I’ll return the others when we get there and decide they will not work.

It is a difficult financial time for me right now: Two of the spaces in the house that I rent out are empty, and this is difficult because I depend on those units to support me. Well, to be more accurate, to support the boat. I do fine just on my Social Security. I do also have an IRA, which I will touch if I need to, so I’m not in any particular danger, but I do watch things carefully at times like this. I grew into my money, which is something I’ve never done before, and am now paying the price.

This will become resolved and I’ll take care of everything.

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I’m looking forward to being in Alaska, to being aboard our boat, and away from everything here.

It is summer in Port Townsend, which means everyone who is not here in winter is here now. This means that I can see all of the friends who I don’t see much, and, the land is beautiful. But downtown Port Townsend is crowded and traffic in and out of town is crazy!

Homer is similar, with everyone camping on the spit. But, we leave there. In one day’s sailing, we are away from all the weekend sailors, in quiet anchorages, sailing.

I don’t think Tiff will be joining us. She is involved in a giveaway for a boat, and she’ll wait to see what’s happening there. Samantha, however, really does want to join us and we need to start doing some planning on how we get her (and Zack) there and get her back.

I think she will meet us in Kodiak, come sailing with us, and then we’ll drop her off in Kodiak. They have air service and ferry service so we will figure something out.

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I don’t think I’ve changed dramatically, or intrinsically, there’s just parts of me that are missing.

Perhaps it is like when I was a child and wanted to be popular, the leader of conversations, and hold my own. I wasn’t like that as a child. It took practice and learning, and quick thinking.

I need to get that started. I want to return to who I was.

There aren’t a lot of days between when we arrive and when the boat goes into the water. The amount of work I have to do is easily accomplished, and additional work will not be too horrible to do along the way. Jennifer has put together a very easy summer for us so there will be plenty of time.

You’ll read about it first, I promise.